unnatural high.

We caved and got our cable back yesterday. 

We lasted one-and-a-half months.  Six weeks.  Forty-two days.

1,008 hours.

(We didn’t have any high-minded, scruple-related reasons to toss it; we just wanted to save some scrilla.  And we did.  But the price we’ve paid in exchange for that lack of television?  Suffice it to say that my husband has been forced to read.  BOOKS.  It was a terrifying sight.  There he was, hunched over on the sofa, grey from the lack of the tv screen’s effervescent glow on his western/eastern-European-mutt pallor, in what can only be described as a manic state, biting his nails as he read – it was shocking.  I want my husband back.)

And now – in four more of those cable-deprived days, where I wander aimlessly around the house during what used to be my television break each afternoon, the part where I sat down with some microwaved leftovers and a glass of water (after always talking myself out some of the white wine chilling so temptingly near the leftovers) and, while I nutritionalized my body, my mind got its dose of Jon and Stephen (sighhhh), and, well, if I’m being honest, a design show or, ahem, two; but at the end of those four days?  Cable.

I’m excited about the prospect of HGTV and TLC and A&E (have you seen “Sell This House”?  Those people are *tragic*.  It’s the best – I adore Tanya Memme, or as we like to refer to her, Tanya Mammary).  But I’m ravenous for the Style channel and Bravo.  Oh, yeah, sure, I suppose one could sit and watch the mindless runway shows, but I have no intention of doing that.  Nope. 

I’m going to be plopping my arse down for a marathon of “Clean House” with mah girl, Niecy Nash.  And I CAN’T.  FUCKING. WAIT. 

Also, there’s Queer Eye, and that designer competition show that I can’t remember the name of and I’m sure the internets will have my head for forgetting, but whatever.  And there’s Stacy and Clinton; oh, how I’ve longed to hear you get all three-snappish on the dumpiest dressers of the land, only you almost always sorta miss the mark during the insult and manage to score about one and three quarters of a snap, but still sort of visually high-five each other, and I LOVE that.  It’s my kinda television.  And – did I mention –

Jon?

And Stephen?

Because, while I still have a soft spot for Conan and Dave, they just don’t cut it anymore.  They were the gateway to my love for ribald humor.  They got me high for awhile, but now I need the hard, nasty shit that Jon and Stephen serve up summarily on a nightly basis.  I’ve had the shakes for about, oh, 1,008 HOURS, and I need a fix.

Here it comes.

Only four more days.

Four.  More.  Days.

*Drums fingers on countertop in anticipation, begins pacing*

(I may disappear for a bit after the great cable re-invasion occurs.  But once I’ve woken up from my woozy, post-cable-induced stupor, I’ll try to come around and say hello, or whatever it is I did when I didn’t have cable.  Caaaabblllleee.)

p.s. did I mention, HBO?  Because, HBO, people.

*goes over to television, humps its lustrous, wood-paneled edge*

Comments

[mothergoosemouse]

I've got WEEKS worth of TiVo'd shows that I need to watch, which shows how often I watch, but if I didn't have cable I'd be jonesing for it.

Before Kyle and I got married, I did not have cable at my apartment. It used to make him twitch on his trips home - he was finally back on American soil, and yet he still didn't have access to cable TV, which was un-American.

[Mommy off the Record]

What? You've been without cable for HOW long? No wonder you had the shakes!

BTW, that picture of John...I lurve him more than ever now that I've seen the fro.

Well, enjoy your new cable service. Oh, and if you haven't checked it out yet, there's this really cool show on A&E called Criss Angel Mindfreak...

[Marcie]

We have been off the cable for almost four years now. We started that to save some cash but now I don't even want it back. I know I would love it too much. I'm a sucker for reality shows and I would do nothing but watch Sweet Sixteen and Real Housewives of Orange County. I'm I junkie and I know it.
Just another reason I wish I lived closer to you. I could come over and watch cable:)

[Mrs. Chicky]

I looove "Sell this House"! I'm happiest, and extremely lazy, when they have marathon days of that damn show, one after another after another after...

Tanya Mammary! We call her that too! Damn, the rack on that girl.

[Suebob]

I'm with Marcie. I not only have no cable, I gots no TV! I only miss it when I am sick. And if I have access to a TV I will watch any stupid crap that is on. So...no TV for me.

[Lily]

Welcome back, my friend. One of these days I might be brave enough to cut down on the cable. Except not the internet (mine is bundled with cable and phone).

[Ruth Dynamite]

You are too funny. I've considered going cold turkey on the cable, but alas, I'm not that strong. I need comedy central. I need TLC, E, and the occasional Paula Dean ("Just add 12 sticks of butter..."). I need my MTV. Good luck with the book learnin'.

[Domestic Chicky]

Nope, couldn't do it, no, uh-uh...I am a certified, remote glued to my hand junkie. Oh, and thank goodness for tivo! That way when I have my (few) moments of "no tv" time, I am secure in the fact that if The Hills is on, I will se it when I have come to my senses...

PS- I LURVE Niecy Nash!

[Emily]

Yea. Also, don't you love the (I think they are called) Design Guys or something? Steven and somebody? So perfect. Everything about them. Yeah, I was way into Conan and found him attractive (disturbingly). Now I want to have intercourse with Colbert. Which is messed up because I've sometimes thought that if I had a brother, maybe he'd look like Colbert.