bullets - now, eighteen percent more bullety!

• If there were a class given on how to become a real, live grown-up in a series of lessons, no matter the level of difficulty, I would sign myself up for it.  (Of course, I'd also be willing to sign up for stripperobics, so that really doesn't illustrate my point all that much.  And, may I add, sigh?)
• I need to have the information tattoo'd on the backs of my hands that I am not allowed to stay up past eleven p.m.  Or I need to hire someone who will follow me around and repeat the mantra about the bedtime hour thing into my ear to the point of Elmo-doll-annoyance levels.  (There is a good chance that, not unlike during my childhood, when I became accustomed to the nasty liquid my mom painted liberally onto the nails/cuticles/upper portions of my finger skin in order to prevent me from turning them into bloody stumps, I would cease being irritated by the mantra, and simply hum and/or chant along.  Um, and once again I have self-defeated.  This is not heading anywhere good.)
• Hangovers are difficult to manage when trying to keep up with toddlers.  Toddlers don't accept the statement that "mommy just needs to lie here on the sofa for a little while longer" as anything they need to be bothered with comprehending, and will continue to whine at an increased pitch, while simultaneously beating mommy at random, unpredictable physical angles and moments, with wildly uncomfortable objects, subsiding only long enough to allow mommy's slack form to collapse further into the cushion and begin to believe that the beating/whining has concluded, only to have the whole thing start over with renewed force and volume.
• Hangovers are particularly incompatible with that child mecca of shopping locales, Toys R Us.  The trembling hands, the crepey facial skin and bloodshot, burning eyes, and the hot flashes that announce themselves just after your child has unleashed a series of what appear to be rolling cannons, but in reality are merely a lot of brightly colored bouncy balls, do not allow for appropriate handling of the tantrums that are fucking inevitable while trapped inside its four Dante's-favorite-level-multiplied-by-primary-colored walls.  (Oh, good lord but it feels so right to drop the f-bomb within that statement.)
• When wiling away a few hours outside of the home you spend entirely too much of your time in lately, try to occupy those precious moments (TM) with something not so very television-marketer's-wet-dream-esque, such as repeating, verbatim, every second of the most recent episode of Lost to your friend, whose husband accidentally taped Dancing with the Stars instead, and really ought to be beaten severely for such a heinous error, but then forgiven mightily, b/c, after all, he bought tickets for a live!  theatrical!  production! as a wedding anniversary gift, which is why the VCR had been summoned into action in the first place, and my friend, of course, went with option B, because there might never be another such gift again if the beating were to take place.  (And also, because domestic violence is so gauche.)  Did I mention, the details of the show were repeated in such, um, detail, that it probably took just as long to spell it out as it would've taken to just watch the damn thing?  Might I add that the rendition my friend endured was probably, on a scale of "highly amusing re-telling" to "would rather watch a hole being dug to China," less entertaining than the digging scenario?  Because I say things like "um" and "like" and "she goes" and "he went" and "they were all" a lot.  A.  L.O.T.
• wahhhhh.

Furthermore, I was gonna blog last night, as in, I was planning a gigantic tour of all my beloved blog pals' super-suites, and I was gonna leave delicious, toothsome, chocolatey comments in my wake, and -- well, that didn't happen (obviously).  And tonight is allotted to saying more than "hello" to my husband; we may even have a conversation that clocks in at beyond the five-minute watermark (gasp!).  Plus I have to work, too.  We're trying desperately to get that damn website we've lately devoted the bulk of our time/attention/my right arm, hand, shoulder, and neck to (mousing is killing me, people) online within the next week.  That's right!  Pretty, funny, prunny delights for the chilluns!  For sale!  Materialism, I heed your call.  I am but your humble servant.  (What.  I miss brand-name shampoo.)

p.s. I totally came home after the wine/Lost fest 2006 and watched Project Runway, while stuffing my mouth full of cookies and delicious, frothy, cold milk to chase.  Did I catch that right?  Is Jeffrey out because he cheated?  And, my dislike of that Laura person knows no bounds.  She is akin to a cold, dead monster.  Only with less heart than a cold, dead monster would be possessed of.  She's the daughter who oughtta be guarding the gates of hell.  Maybe her sweet papa, Satan, gave her a short vacation so she could fulfill her dream to be a fancy-poo designah.  Barf.  I pity her offspring.  (And did anyone lay eyes on that yikes-y husband of hers?  Sheesharooni.)

p.p.s  I got even more photographic evidence handed to me last night of that trip to San Francisco, and I'm compiling, and collating, and I'm gonna have a really, really awesomely photographical post up about it.  Soon.  Stop pestering me already (she said to herself in a lecturing tone)!!

p.p.p.s. !!!!!! 

p.p.p.p.s .....

Comments

[Oh, The Joys]

The staying up late bullet... I need that tattooed on my forehead.

[jaelithe]

I think I need the staying up late message tattooed in 13 different places on my body.

[something blue]

It's much too late for me to leave a comment worthy of reading. Toys R Us with a hangover? You are a brave soul.

[Sarah]

All that crap I said - throw it on the heap. If you don't like Laura, you're OUT, SISTA! Gad! I am um, like, kidding of course. I once had a barfing hangover, if it makes you feel any better - I actually had the bathroom trash can on the kitchen counter for dry heaves while I made the boy breakfast (which, of course, induced even more dry heaves). My husband (who can really leave work if he wants on days like this) laughed at me over the phone. What I can't figure out is why on earth you went to TRU? Did have something other than wine, hmmm?

[bubandpie]

If you come across that really annoying go-to-bed-early Elmo doll, let me know: I need one too. (Wait a second - I HAVE one, and it's called my husband, and it totally doesn't work.)

And Lost! Somebody please, PLEASE sympathize with my frustration at how NOBODY is calling the Others on their CRAP! Jack just sits there, all slack-jawed, watching the World Series finale, instead of jumping up and saying, "You guys are such pricks! You can communicate with the outside world and you're just keeping quiet about the fact that we're all trapped here? How the hell did you all get to be such FREAKS?" (Not that such home truths would affect them, but at least they might convince Ben/Henry Gale to dispense with the whole "we're actually good people and not freaking PSYCHOS" shtick.

The above paragraph is a distillation of the ranting I've been pouring into hubby's ear non-stop since Wednesday's episode, and he just keeps looking at me and saying, "Get past it." Is anybody with me on this one?

[reddragonsangel]

ACK! I too was appaled that the red headed beeeeoitch suddenly has it out for jeffery- I know he isnt the nicest guy on the planet- but why the rageing bitchiness? And another thing- damn you project runway- for making me think that that was the season finale and telling me half way thru that it was part one of two!!! DAMMIT! I think that the red headed green eyed monster's husband looks like albert einstein- LOL! "hey welcome to the clan have some poop" classy!

[Kristin]

Ok, I do not have the hot hates for Laura... the poor thing is pregnant with her what 6th kid? I chalk all bitchiness up to hormones.

That being said, I totally want Michael to win.

If you are having memo tattoos done, allot me a time for "Kristin, don't forget, too many carbs make you cranky".

[Marmite Breath]

Lost has consumed me. I need to stop watching, because it is frustrating the piss out of me.

Yeah, I need the "don't stay up too late, beeyotch" tattoo myself. Tis' one I would have lasered off though. ;)

If I signed up for Strippaerobics, they would laugh me out of the joint. I don't "do" sexy. I am a shoulder-slouchy shuffler. No self esteem in that department, I'm afraid, so maybe I SHOULD sign up!? Hmmmm....

Deb, you have given me something to think about.

[roo]

If I had my bedtime tattooed on my hand/forehead, I'd probably get angry at it, say, "You can't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me!" and then stay up even later just to spite myself.

As for Laura, well, her husband is pretty frightening, but she may be onto something with her accusations towards Jeffrey. I mean, he has this giant studio-- clearly he's got employees. The work did look much more polished than anything he produced during the challenges, and, given that there were at least twelve garments hanging on the rack, you figure out over two months, minus time for shopping/research/design and time to run his business, he didn't have more than a few days to make each piece. And he acted all squirrelly when they asked him to turn in his receipts. So I can understand her being suspicious. But I bet he still shows in Bryant Park anyway.

Michael's been my favorite since the start, but I think he's still a bit young-- he seems to have a hard time designing without guidelines. I think Tim Gunn should give him a scholarship to Parsons.

From what I've seen of Jeffrey's line, it looks really great. He might win. But I'm kind of rooting for Uli.

And then she goes... And then he goes... I'll stop now.

[aunt penni]

I can't believe you don't like Laura. She is pure snark perfected in a way that I could never hope to accomplish. I envy her self-confidence (not to mention her perfect loft and wall of shoes).

And "strip-aerobics"??!! NOOOOOO!!! Resist, resist, because this is truly what Hell is all about!

[Pattie]

"She is akin to a cold, dead monster"....
*LOL*
I kind of like her, though. Don't hate me.

I missed that episode...I hope it's in re-runs.

Hangover=Bad. I know. I am suffering today.You have my sympathies :)

[Domestic Chicky]

Um, according to a cousin of a friend of a acquiantaince who was at Bryant Park the night of the show, Jeffry was there. And also according to said sister/in-law/dog groomer's/lover, Michael's collections seemed to get the best reception.

Great post-full of bullet-y goodness!

[Lawyer Mama]

Too true about toddler/hangover incompatibility. I hope you at least had fun working up to the hangover!

And Project Runway! I've recently become psychotically obsessed with this show - WHY did Bravo have to run that Project Runway marathon!?! Damn them! I love Laura - she says all the bitchy things out loud that I would say internally! (But I'm secretly rooting for Michael.)

[Mrs. Chicky]

I want to leave one of those chocolatey comments that you hinted at but it's 10pm and I told myself I wouldn't force myself to stay up and leave more comments if I was really tirezzzzzzzzzz.............

Sorry, fell asleep there for a minute.

Time for bed, but first - I'm on Team Jeffrey. Team Laura can suck it if they got him kicked off the show.

[qt]

Ahhh Haaah, someone got her drink on! Yeah, those wine hangovers can be FIERCE, girl....

I think we need to write a sitcom.

[Lotta]

Yumm, frothy milk. I keep one of those summer beer mugs in my freezer. You know the kind with the gel that freezes up inside it. JUST for milk. So icy, so cold, so enjoyable.

Love the blog title, wish I had helped you get the hangover!

[Lotta]

PS - Loved the entry too! But you already knew that.

[julia]

I like Laura. I agree with her; I think Jeffrey did have help. And he was acting all weird about his receipts (something I've never seen them ask for before, which made me go "hmmmm"). I don't think he got kicked off, though - he did show in Bryant Park. I saw it on the internet, so it must be true.

I love Michael, but I thought his collection was very ho-ish.

I watched the Top Chef marathon for last year's show and yeah, thanks, Bravo. Now there's another show I have to watch. Pricks.

[Mom101]

Oh my God, hangover+TRU just made me want to throw up. And for once, it's not the morning sickness.

My sympathies.

[nonlineargirl]

Prunny delights? Why am I imagining a site that sells stool-looseners to children? Or would that be Pruney delights? I am awaiting the site launch with bated breath.

[Mommy off the Record]

I don't usually watch Runway, but I happened to catch a few episodes of this weekend so I actually DID see Jeffrey get fired for cheating. He was annoying. Glad he's gone.

I'm not sure I will be watching any more episodes though. I kinda overdosed on them by watching 4 in a row - granted I did fast forward through the commercials and most of the cheesy in-room gossip scenes but still...I had a headache myself today and I didn't drink yesterday so perhaps it was too much Runway??

Anyway, sorry to hear you have been sick, my dear, but I'm sure the drinking part was fun so that is good. I admire your ability to continue enjoying alcoholic beverages. I haven't the stamina to get drunk anymore...even though I wish I did. Perhaps when you make it to CA, you can help me put back a few....

[lildb]

guys! guys!

okay. I never claimed any love for Jeffrey. I think he's kind of pompous. I totally didn't mean to associate the extreme dislike of Laura with the potential offing of Jeffrey. I should've been more clear about that. I kind of don't care if he's booted, really, but I just find Laura so devious and underhanded and lousy, and manipulative and narsty -- yecccch.

[Jenny]

Is there really such a thing as stripperobics? If I come to Portland can we go?

[wordgirl]

I find that bullet points help my scattered mind keep track of information that is rolling around in my brain like a sack of marbles. And on days when you have a lot of information to impart, it helps the reader as well. Hungover or not. Another dark and rainy day here. Bleah!

[Sunshine Scribe]

You are killing me.

I would so sign up for that class with ou ... both the grown up class and the stripaerobics! No one I know here would ever do it for me. Immigrate north ... hurry. I won't let you ever eat past 11 :)

[Andrea]

Hangovers near children are the WORST. Especially when you dart to the toilet to toss your cookies YET AGAIN and your child decides it's a good time to ascend your back and demand a piggy back ride. It's really hard to puke, hold back your own hair, and keep a hand on the child sliding off your back so they don't hit their head on the bathroom tile floor.

Almost enough not to partake so much in the first place. Almost.

[TB]

A tip for you: Hangovers and toddlers are compatible if you have Pedialyte on hand. It is hands down the best hangover cure I have ever tried, besides, you know, the hair of the dog, which is definitely NOT compatible with toddlers.