pop and lock.

I keep trying to formulate this post in my head; it's been brewing for months.  I've sort of arrived at the stage where I either write it and get it out of the precious real estate it's taken up for so long, or dispense with trying to make something out of it.  But I don't wanna.  I think it's fascinating, and if I were in school I'd write a paper on it. 

The "it" I'm referring to is the subject of our ability, in this culture, in this society, in this particular time in history, to choose to not have children.   It fascinates me.  It's the underlying motive in those slights on the part of so many who can't stand kids toward the ones who choose to.  It's the complicated wedge that keeps so many people in our social sphere divided, a wedge that would not have existed, did not exist, around one hundred years ago. 

So why are there so many anti-kid snobs?  I say that, fully aware of my past, filled with years spent standing on my box of soap that declared my revulsion toward the childbearing ilk.  (I think my revulsion was probably rooted in my own fears about having children, and that I then aimed it at those around me who declared their lack of fear through the act of reproduction.  But this isn't a post about my need for a lifetime of therapy.)

I can't help wondering when we're going to move forward, however lurchingly, beyond the adolescence of the ability to decide when/where/how/who with the procreation process within our society.  I feel strongly that we're in a growing-pains stage, and boy is it painful.  I, myself, have made pretty full use of the various options; I relied on birth control to get through a ridiculously stuck-pig bleeding era in my late teens, experienced en tandem with some severe cramping (at one point, during my senior year of high school, I had my period three times within the month of December -- it was a pretty unforgettable experience, and I'm not referring to Nat King Cole's version).  I've also had an abortion, when I found myself pregnant, broke, crazy, suicidal -- and incapable of becoming a single parent.  These are not things I took lightly; I was aware of my options, and I made the best choice for myself and for any potential offspring.  I don't explain for the sake of self-defense; I do it to make clear how strongly I feel about the subject of choice in reference to a woman's uterus.  I believe absolutely in the need for women to be free of the shackles of forced motherhood. 

However.  I do not believe in the attempt of those who opt out of the maternal role (or paternal, because obviously there are men who choose similarly, and get the snip-snip to prove it) to foist their new-found choice of freedom from parenting on those who decide that they wish to procreate.  Especially in the form of non-parent-snobbery.  It's ridiculous.  Where's the live and let live in that?  It's like a new religion.  I'm really happy for people who find they are satisfied with their lives without children, and I wish they could feel equally happy for those of us who go the other route; I recognize the defensive nature of their choice, because they're probably being hounded by their parents and other family and by society in general to have kids, and they push back with snobbery.  But it isn't right.  It's just more negativity poured into a cup that is already too full of bad feelings.

Let's all just do what's right for our own lives and be moms and dads, and if not that, then really fun, wacky aunts and uncles.  And love each other.  (Insert finger in mouth at this point, because even I'm gagging over my lovey-poo-ocity in that last sentence.  Although I totally mean it.)

Happy fucking holidays, bitches.

(Leaving comments open 'cause I'm intrigued about your thoughts on this one.  But if you slam me for my choices, I'll be really excited to delete the shit out of your comment.  Oh, and also mock you plenty.  Bye!)

Comments

[Kristin]

Whoo-hoo... Happy fucking holiday, bitches...

You might be my new Christmas hero.

Blah, blah, blah... travel at a moment's whim, lots of money... blah, blah, blah... who's going to change your diaper when you are 92 is what I want to know?

Here's what I don't get... getting married, but not wanting kids. Is it tacky of me to ask, "What's the point?" Or, am I maybe just a whore...

[qt]

Well, I have no kids at the moment and I am honestly 50/50. Sometimes I feel one way, sometimes the other.

I don't begrudge people their children -what I DO begrudge them is the attitude of neglect, of not actually raising their children-it does not matter how -to be responsible, functioning, and aware human beings in our society. I often have a debate with myself "If I don't have any children, will it offset some of the dumbfucks I see that have decided their genes were ABSOLUTELY necessary to pass on by having three kids, yet not mold or educate even one of them?"

On the flip side, I then think perhaps I SHOULD have one to try to undo some of the damage. Or should I adopt one of said cast aside, poor little souls and undo the damage that way?

BTW, I have plenty of elderly clients who have children who care not a whit what happens to their parents, so that is a moot (Rick Springfield) point.

Getting married and not having children has many benefits in this society - I will just point out a few - favorable income tax treatment, cheaper health insurance (domestic partners can be added, but the benefit is TAXABLE to the person who adds the D.P.), more rights in many health care settings, more rights if a spouse dies, etc.

Two unmarried people can some of those rights if they pay an attorney to set it up that way, but, obviously, that costs $$$.

[Mrs. Chicky]

That's it. I think all people should only have one child. Yeah. That's the way it should be.

How stupid does that sound? Blech.

Live and let live, baby, that's what I say.

[Nancy]

I'm with Mrs. Chicky -- live and let live. It's an individual decision for each couple whether to extend the family or not. I don't agree at all with the whole guilt trip no matter who it's directed to. Why should childless couples have to provide their reasons for not having kids (especially because some people want to and cannot)? Why should families with kids have to endure snobbiness and judgmental attitudes from childless couples who think they know how kids should be raised? And why should anyone on either side of the fence question another couple's choices, anyway?

Children are not wide screen TVs that can be purchased at your local big box department store; parenthood is not an activity to be entered into lightly. I admire the couples who recognize that kids might not be a good fit for their own lifestyle, but don't begrudge the choice of others who do expand the family. And I myself am a person maintain friendships with couples that are childless by choice -- because there are so many more things that we can talk about than children.

Love is all we need, baby.

[Nancy]

p.s., great post, as always. I am only sorry I could not provide you with cookies, no luck at the last local TJs.

[bubandpie]

The ability to choose if, when, and how often to have a child is an incredible advantage of living at this point in history. BUT. There is a huge disadvantage to it, and that is the illusion such choice creates that having a child is some kind of private enterprise on the part of the mother - like buying a fishtank or having a sailboat. The fact that the mother had a choice seems to absolve everyone, including the father, of any responsibility towards that new life. And it obscures the fact that all of us depend upon that upcoming generation (and the parents who are rearing them). This isn't a private, individual "option": it's a civic responsibility that everyone shares in, one that just happens to be fulfilled through millions of individual choices.

[toyfoto]

I think about this often, and I've come to the conclusion - for the time being (cause you know tomorrow it will change) - that we human folks simply HATE each other. Whether we have kids or not, we all make judgements based on whatever's eating us at that very moment in time. We see a screaming child in a store who's frazzled mom is trying to get a little piece and quiet with bribary and we have to be appalled.

I'm kind of sick of all the sanctimonious crap, to tell you the truth. I was just at a dinner party with a woman who has one child and works from home but has no qualms about bashing women I was talking about (I was explaining about a online community I've been involved with), by saying they "probably all SAHMs with rich husbands."

I was a little floored. I don't know what people are thinking sometimes, I really don't.

[Julie]

Okay with a risk of acquiring the label of "lacks original thought" I'll say I agree with what you and Ms. Bub and Pie say.

Why do people hate anything at all?

It's an ego game.

People do this whole ego-driven deal of riding on waves of judgment and annoyance and superiority.

Oh heck. I'll cut myself off before I end up reposting my entire Day of Reconciliation post.

At another risk for "oversimplifies things and through that utterly annoyed me" label, I'll say the more defensive people are about their choices, the more I suspect a deep pain or insecurity within that choice.

[Lawyer Mama]

I've been on both sides of the fence too. For a long time I was annoyed by what I saw as our very child-centric society. As I got older, I realized what BubandPie mentioned - ensuring that our children someday become productive members of society is a duty everyone shares - childless or not. "Choice" has made it much easier for a segment of our society, and even our government, to disclaim that responsibility.

[mayberry]

It's like breast vs. formula, working vs. stay-at-home, spanking vs. not, and everything else. Some people can only live with their own choice by convincing themselves that those on the opposite side are wrong and must be taught to see the light.

[Mommy off the Record]

I don't care if people choose not to have kids, but I DO care if they guilt trip ME about having kids.

I have a friend who said to me once that she would NEVER have more than one child because having more than one child was contributing to overpopulation (and hence starvation of little children everywhere). I was like, wtf? Are you serious?

It pissed me off because a) it was an ignorant comment b/c hunger is not due to overpopulation and b)she knew I wanted more than one child so she was implying that I didn't care about the starving kiddies.

Why do people have to be so judgemental? I say live and let live as well.

[jen]

toyfoto said it first.

human folks simply hate each other.

awesome. tragically awesome.

[Suebob]

I never wanted kids, so I am thankful that I had the choice not to, since most women throughout history did not have that choice.

People can use ANYTHING as a divisive issue. Or not. It truly seems like we are always looking for a way to make ourselves feel just a little more superior.

I could go on about the nobility of what I have done, because overpopulation IS a serious issue and the planet IS suffering because of it...but then when someone's 7th kid cures cancer, they can come back and say "IN YOUR FACE, BITCH! Now do you wish Timmy had never been born?"

[Pendullum]

But then there are those who should have NEVER had kids.

These people, are my in laws. They were never there... The children were raised by housekeepers that ran rampant. They never kept a houskeeper for longer than a few months..

My mother in law left her family,when my husband was 12, and his sisters were 6 and 3. She just upped and left.
Left them with a selfish man,to raise them. Their dad.(Not only did she leave the house,she left the city and then when my husband turned 19 and wanted to go live with her, she moved to a different country)

They are two very selfish people who make a mockery of parenting... They were cruel to their kids, they were cruel to each other...
and then they bask in 'how good ' the kids turned out...

They used there kids as accessories...

My husband is the only 'normal' one. His sisters havenot fared so well each have been in therapy and through major drugs to get them through. And they are getting by. Not happily, but they are getting by. Both are miserable.

And yet these selfish parents bask in it all... and laugh about the 'memories' of the kids growing up... when there are none...

So for those that chose not to have kids...I think it could be a much wiser choice than living through an eternal hell of those that did not.

I am grateful for my daughter and it is a privilege to watch her grow and guide her along the way.

I love my husband and the housekeepers did something right as i have a wonderful caring husband is there physically and spiritually for his daughter.

And for the life of me,I can not figure out how it was taught to him... As we have all observed.It certainly wasn't from his selfish, self serving,narsasitic parents.

[Suz]

I waited late to have kids...and other people's children used to annoy the living daylights out of me. Running up and down the airplane. Kicking my seat. Screaming bloody murder in restaurants while being smiled lovingly upon by indulgent parents. I understand part of where the childless folks are coming from, but believe that they sometimes confuse their decision not to have children with the belief that having made that decision, they should be free of kids, completely. The truth of the matter is that our decisions impact other people, but that does not mean, in any way, that we get to make their decisions for them. I have no more right to tell childless folks that they should have children, then they have the right to tell me not to.

[Penny]

Not everyone should have at least one child. I think a child benefits an adult in ways of personal growth and selflessness and empathy. It changes to soul and the world around the person. And, it is a very spiritual, healthy thing to do.

If you are ready and open for that.

There are so many people that, I'm judging but, should not have had children. I've seen so many instances of neglect, abuse, hate, resentment.

Either way, people without kids have no say in raising them. They couldn't possibly understand. None of us do until we have one.

Everything I thought I was and every way in which I was going to do things before I had Oee changed.

Double incomes with no kids?.. fine.. let them share more taxes with the rest of us. I'll take their money to educate my child and fix the roads that I drive her safely to school on.

It's all about choice.

And, if they choose to voice their opinions anti-child-like, remind them that they were once a child and that, though it would be hard for them to understand through their narrow scope, the world is not their alone.

Having children is a privilege, not a right and once they've been had, they have rights, which are not the same as privileges.

Taking my child into a public place is a right for her and a privilege for me. Screw those around me that don't like high pitched tones - they can buy themselves take out and sit in front of their 46 inch television for all I care. They aren't my children.

[Mignon]

Yeah, I also agree with toyfoto. We just like to hate on stuff. Whatever it may be. Today I hate ice cream birthday cakes. They take too long to eat and they're hard to cut. Tomorrow I'll hate people I don't know very well who send me Christmas cards. Fuckers. Hate hate.

[Jenny]

Amen sister, hatred is human but there's a difference between just hating something and creating entire organziations and websites to bash them. Unless those websites are aimed at celebrities...in which case it's totally okay.

I'm such a hypocrite.

[Mom101]

Personally, I think that whatever stage I'm personally in should dicate the zeitgeist. So five years ago? Children should be seen (rarely) and not heard. Today? Balthazar needs to pull up the banquettes to make room for more high chairs.

[Mom101]

And that's all personally, if I didn't make that clear.

[misha]

Oh my holy cow. I'm almost speechless.