the bitch is back.

The anal fissure that shares a birthday with my son has returned.

They told me, when J was around four months old, that if it hadn't healed after all the medication I was slathering on it, within a very short time frame, I'd have to have surgery.

On my bum-hole.

Um.

Last night, after I figured out what was going on, thanks to some interesting mirror angles and uncomfortable facing of several truths that I won't go into here (oh, but this reminds me to shout out to Mignon that, indeed, you may use the word "bj" in my comments section; hell, you can even say blow job, or hand job, or any other ejaculation-assistance term you'd like - my comments section is a free-for-all unless you go by the name of Spammero T Spam, but you knew that, didn't you, Mr. Spam), and the results weren't pretty (duh) - but I'm mainly referring to my behavior post-realization.  I was not very nice to my family afterward.

I figure, if they knew, they'd understand.

Bum-hole surgery?

I'm not thrilled at the prospect.

Now go ahead and express your disgust in the comments; I know I don't generally announce such intimate things in my blog, but dude.  I have nowhere else to go with this, and I'm stressed out about it, to be blunt.  I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT, in fact.  But only inside my head.

And, well, here, of course.

Now go and have an awesome day, you!

Comments

[Jenny]

Bum hole surgery. Pink Eye. Nail tech. Polyamorism.

My head is spinning. I need to come here more, clearly.

Oh, my sweet friend, I'm sending you sweet thoughts of bum healing and relaxation. Not necessarily in that order.

[kgirl]

Oh crap. Blocked milk duct, ugly scar and flabby abs feel for you. Oy, what these children do to us.

[jaelithe]

These kids, what they do to our bodies! They had better all cure cancer or stop global warming or something when they grow up.

(Actually, who am I kidding? We all know they are so cute that just looking at them sometimes makes us want to DO IT AGAIN. How do they pull that off?)

[Emily R]

Oh. That sounds, um, unpleasant.

[dodo]

euuh.

[anne nahm]

and by 'fiesta' I mean scary medical procedure. Jeez. Can you tell I'm a little nervous for you with all my awkward sentence structure? Because I am a little nervous for you. I'm sure it will be fine in the end (no pun) but it does seem like a hassle of a thing to have happen. Keep us updated.

[anne nahm]

So are you awake for this fiesta, or napped out? Also, the new meditation chant: How can cutting fix a cut that won't heal?

It is quickly replacing that old saw, "what is the sound of one hand clapping?"

But seriously, hope everything is going well.

[Mignon]

Does that mean you have to get a Brazilian at the expense of your HMO? There must be some sort of irony in there somewhere.

Sorry about the fissure. It sounds terribly painful. Surely surgery is the lesser of the two pains in the ass?

Oh, and I remember a girl in high school who apparently had to go to the emergency room from an anal fissure inflicted by her boyfriend's monster unit. In fact, I have no idea if this is true or not, but can you imagine if that was your high school legacy? To be known as the Torn-asshole Chick?

[nonlineargirl]

I'm sorry darlin. The pre-egg retreival enema was enough butt-focus for me this week. I can only imagine yours. Not that I am imagining. I want to preserve some private space for you.

[Lotta]

You are so brave to look. My hippy parents made me look at my lady bits in a very "Me Myself and I" moment at age 7. I haven't looked since.

[Gwen]

My sister had one of those exact same things (sounds like Kristen has one, too) and I don't remember the surgery being such a biggie, maybe because the result was so much better than the original pain. I wouldn't stress, whatever you decide. And put away the mirror!

Little J really owes you big time, now.

[qt]

Oh god deb - that does not sound fun. The blog is definitely the place to go with this.

I would just get it over with, but that is just me.

[The Other Dawn]

um. my comment. is broken?

[The Other Dawn]

If you want a play-by-play, t's well documented all over my blog (search Mutt Bowl or Frankentaint) but I had an incredibly invasive butthole surgery (as if there's any other kind) this past November. It is absolutely no fun, and I am STILL healing, but it's already better than it was.

The whole time pre-surgery I was worried about how I would have to be operated on with my ass up in the air.

Definitely feeling for you.

[mamatulip]

I have one of those too. Like Kristen, I bleed almost every time I take a crap. Not only did I get a daughter, I got a sensitive ass, too.

Someone in my extended family has had the surgery you're talking about. Honestly, it wasn't the horror story you're probably thinking it will be. I mean...yeah. Ass surgery. Not the best kind. But it wasn't *too* terrible, from what I understand.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I bleed almost every time I poop. In fact, on a good day, I don't feel pain.

So, I know that it's probably surgery for me too.

But unlike you, I'm totally avoiding it.

So, you're brave.

And it sucks.

[Shannon]

Hopefully things will be better after it's all done with? I doubt that makes you feel any better. I admire you having the balls to share this on your blog. :)

[Laurie]

That is totally no fun. :( I feel for you!

[slouching mom]

well. that just sucks. and ANYONE would think so.