deflecting matthew big's hatchet. (hint: move about an inch away.)

Dear Matthew Big:

Despite your attempts to convince John McSlugbrain that you want to hold hands and snuggle and dine under a full moon while supping on ambrosia and Cristal, because you think he's teh awezome, your hatchet-y piece on Obama is unsuccessful.

Why?

Because teh vot3rs aren't as stupid as you are; none of us would attempt to, *ahem*, gain access to McSnore's, uh, "lair." We don't want to date him, or make out with him, or, god forbid, allow him to run anything bigger than his tongue around the inside of his mouth. (Even that's a sketchy bet, since he's probably got inactive salivary glands these days, what with his being around a thousand years old, and the tongue probably has some hard work just making a half-circle. I would guess he has to take breaks before it makes a full circuit. Which totally grosses me out. Now I'm grossed out. Ew.)

Next time you write a piece on the Democratic candidate, you should consider who's going to ACTUALLY be President next year, because, unless you want to spend a lot of time cataloging McTwat's tongue-laps on a regular basis, you're wasting your time writing from the angle that you have just so recently done. I mean, journalists *compete* to get onto Air Force One, right? You might want to figure out how to better ingratiate yourself to the future President for that position, and not the future crypt-keeper's bro (dude).

Best of luck (which you desperately need, apparently),

Debbie

p.s. Though your love for him knows nothing of boundaries, maybe try vetting what your hopeful candidate-to-be says when he shrugs off ridiculous accusations *before* he buys dinner. (And don't forget what they say about putting out without a ring on your finger, either, Matty. I'd get that ring first, sweetie. That way, you have something to pawn when the romance is over and your fella's out of the running. Although I think it's too late in your case, given the head-over-heels piece you've written, and if you *have* gotten a ring, I'd be careful it doesn't turn your finger black.)