on the uncomfortable end of it.

I'm so tired and angry - so tired of the ADHD winning so often, so angry that it's got such a grip.  I know everyone deals with something, but this just feels like the merry-go-round of stupid.  The stupid-go-round.

I almost started writing a poem.  But I hate that shit lately.  I hate perfection and beauty and elegance in writing, lately.  I hate composition and order and tidy thoughts, well compiled, on the page.  It all makes me sick.

I'm so tired of it all.

How much of a hot tranny mess is it that I (can't stop saying that) am forever in the tail spin of oh-so-tired-of-this-and-that.  Ya can't get tired of life, kid.  It keeps laying down tracks even while you stare bleary-eyed ahead at the endlessness of it all.

I hate this, this sounding-like-something.  When will I see the day, when will I wake up and hear a new voice, a different, fresh, interesting, novel voice?  I've lived a thousand years with this one, tired of it and learned to live with it and tired of it again.  I'm back here, back in self-hatred land once more, I am down amidst the rubble with my grime-covered hands pressed into the unforgiving surface of this boulder, shoulder blades aching with the lifetime of repeated slow rolling uphill.

I want the sap to begin moving in me.  I hate the waiting -- I hate the bile that burns from the waiting, the waiting.

I'm not good at this life thing yet, am I.

Drat.

Comments

[Melanie]

Check your e-mail, madame.
And

(((You)))

[Mary]

Spring's on the way. And call me.

[Gwen]

Yes. Life is tiring, the repetitiveness of it. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is just keep that shoulder down and continue pushing. It will get better. It *does* get better.

[mrs. chicken]

Is anyone good at it? No. Not really. And your mess is poetic, whether you realize it or not. A novel voiced raised in frustration. Much better than no voice at all.

Wishing you peace and the strength to keep sharing your words with us.

[Andrea]

I have a suspicion that your progress in this fight against your ADHD isn't going to be all or nothing. Increments that improve things in small ways. Until you will look back and realize how far you've come, that the tracks laid in life are more of your own making and have been for awhile.

In the meantime, I hope the ADHD stops hitting you over the head so often. It's quite the bitch, that way.

[slouching mom]

here with you as you navigate all kinds of terrain.

and i'm not sure anyone's good at this life thing.

[Kady]

You may be a hot tranny mess, but at least you're a FIERCE hot tranny mess.

[kittenpie]

You sound about how I sound with this winter business. Even if it's not snowy in Portland, teh less sun and more indoors gets you down. Could it be that spring will bring what you're looking for? That's what I'm hanging my hopes on these days, sick as I am of hearing myself drudging along. Blech.

[Daisy]

Spring fever isn't always fun. Here's hoping for some sunshine, but most of all some recognizable progress for you.

[Kelly]

Just keep truckin'...

(Advice courtesy of The Grateful Dead)