i wanna be medicated.

Can't get an appt. to see a psychiatrist until the middle of July.  The 16th, to be precise.  Iow, the day before I leave for the SF BlogHer conference.  Prolly isn't a good idea to start dosing on something unknown the day before I reconvene with a thousand crazy-a$$ bitches and behave in the expectedly ridonkulous fashion that I will do.  (It's the hyper aspect of adhd - kicks in whenever I'm even mildly mentally stimulated by something in my environment.  Give me a thousand shimmery, brilliant stimulants?  And I'm dancing like a marionette on trucker speed.  For untold hours.  It's - annoying.  And embarrassing.  And tiresome.  And unpredictable.  Etc.)

I'm tired.  So tired.  I don't care anymore.  I don't.  It's all just so nuts.

Lying cuddled together with my kiddo a minute ago, because he had come into the room, suddenly, demanding a hug, and upon returning him to his bed, I discovered his playmates, some toys he's not allowed to go to sleep with - because he *doesn't sleep* when they're present - and then we sang some songs and snuggled.  And I felt his length, even with legs curled all pretzel-like around my knees, feet stuck randomly between my knees and thighs, hand curled around mine, and my breath halted, quick, brief, because - it's all happening.  So fast.  Too fast.  Blazes of light and *poof* and he's growing, growing, grown.

And I will have done nothing throughout his growth but bemoan my own beleaguered state, my own incapacities for things that - well, that I just am not, and cannot have, and cannot be, and yet I reach, I reach, waggling my fingers 'til they're outstretched to the point of pain, and my son, this beautiful, amazing creature, this creation, he is turning tricks and cartwheels and pulling rabbits out of hats all 'round me, and still I reach, and bemoan, and waggle, and pine for things.  Unknowable, invisible things.

And soon he will, too, be invisible, this smallness, this wee synapse of time, this sharp echo against the rocks of the ages, his once-tiny hands and feet and legs and elbows all crescendoing and I see its harmonic rise in such finite, too-fleeting, too-few moments.

Is nothing in life what it ought to be?

Comments

[dodo]

more than we think, i hope

[qt]

hugs to you ~ from one crazy-a$$ yatch to another.

[slouching mom]

oh, honey.

sending you love -- and hope.

[Mary]

Oof, my heart. You nailed it. It's not about subjugating our needs to our children's...not always. Sometimes, it's about balance and paying attention because the cliche is right--they grow so goddamn fast, and usually when we're not paying attention, suddenly, they're different. It's a killer.

[Jenny, Bloggess and Bad Mom]

God, Debbie. You say the things I think with such beauty. You make being crazy an art.

[Cristina]

Love this post. I can so relate.

[Jenny, Bloggess and Bad Mom]

Like a knife in my heart. So true.

PS. Featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle.

http://tinyurl.com/6mb75y

[laurieofthesevenstories]

I remember starting medication for anxiety and depression one week beforeI graduated from college. Talk about timing- one minute I was vomitting my guts out, the next I was taking finals.
But I got thru, and you know what? If you need it, you need it, and have to start as soon as you can.
As for the dr. appt., I say call back and all sorts of crazy, and tell them you need to be seen immediately. Or go to the office, or the ER- seriously, I'm not kidding.

[E. Peevie]

You wrote, "And I felt his length, even with legs curled all pretzel-like around my knees, feet stuck randomly between my knees and thighs, hand curled around mine, and my breath halted, quick, brief, because - it's all happening. So fast. Too fast. Blazes of light and *poof* and he's growing, growing, grown"--and I wish I had written it.

Way to capture a moment.

[Nancy]

Parenting is painful and wonderful and frustrating. It humbles me so to watch how my girls prosper and grow even as I feel I'm not doing them justice as a mom.

Love, love to you.

[anon]

don't turn to scientology. get professional help and medication