voices carry. specifically, mine. it carries. eh.

This morning, at the farmer's market, with my last few dollars I decided to buy the pig-in-a-blanket the pork vendor sells, and after being handed the plate loaded with a pancake and topped with big chunks of scrambled egg, a long piece of bacon and a huge piece of sausage (the round kind), and some forks, and having poured a big dose of syrup all over the top, I went to walk away and dropped one of the forks.  Bending down to pick it up, I forgot to consider the plate and its wobbly contents, and the gigantic, semi-round sausage, coated in syrup, toppled onto my lap, before falling ungently to the ground.  The noise I made after the fork fell was kind of a "mehhh" grunt, but when the sausage doused me in syrup and then landed on the dirty cement, I blurted a fairly ungraceful "DAMMIT" -- and was looking down at the offending syrup stain on my upper left thigh as I did, so I missed that it stopped the surrounding market attendees cold.  When I looked up, it was to see many faces turned my direction.  There I was, already feeling totally ass-ish, coated in syrup, my fork on the ground, my sausage also on the ground, having apparently yelled through a bullhorn the play-by-play, and everyone was FUCKING STARING.  Sans sympathetic smiles.   Just - looks.  From strangers.

I only knew to do one thing in that moment:  crack wise.  Turning to the girl behind the counter who was offering me a napkin with a lamely sad smile (so, see, I lied about the zero-sympathy effect), I said, "Evidently, my pants felt they needed that sausage more than me."  Only, I said it loud enough for the surrounding crowd to overhear.  Some people chuckled.  I just feigned nonchalance, like I'd planned it all.  And the ultra-nice butcher gave me a replacement sausage.  And I commented that somebody's dog was gonna be STOKED (that is some fine sausage they sell).  (A lot of people stroll with their dogs at the market.  Srsly.  Somebody's dog got the STOKE after my mishap.)

Then I ushered Jack over to a nearby bench, but not *super* nearby where the incident had occurred, you know, maybe fifteen or twenty feet away, and we sat, calmly chewing the different elements of the food, until the people next to us, whose little girl, belted into her stroller, began screaming, "MOMMMMYYYYY," after which, the mother turned to us and said, "maybe you could try and be still and zen like that little boy, the one whose mommy had the syrup accident."

See?

I'm FUCKING LOUD.  Gwen and Nora, consider yourselves warned.  Well, except you already knew that, Nora, and Gwen, you already ought to.

Stupid, delicious pig-in-a-blanket (and, ftr, Jack ate most of it.  Nice, huh.  After all I went through for that meal.)

Comments

[Jozet at Halushki]

Once you've dropped a sausage on your lap in public, all bets are off.

You're already marked as someone so outside the bounds of polite society, that if you didn't start yelling and talking loudly, you would hav e just missed a great opportunity to walk through that wide-swung door. Honestly, I would have just continued ranting out loud about the cost of fuel oil and the media's unfair coverage of Anna Nicole Smith. Once you have syrup on your lap, you're allowed to do those things. ;-)

[qt]

I am laughing that this woman described your bebeh as zen-like - CLEARLY she does not know him well! :)

[toyfoto]

If anyone described either of my kids as zen-like I'd have choked on my sausage.
Sorry for the stink-eye you got, glad the butcher gave you a replacement, though. Of course, I'da ate the thing off the ground. It has to be more hygienic than the floor of my house.

[nonlineargirl]

I was thinking while reading that this is exactly what I would do - make a joke about it - except then I'd move on and start to cry into my pancake.

[dodo]

you missed out the part where the people in the market all stop their shopping and offer to lick your thigh

[jaelithe]

Sweetie, that other mother was giving you a compliment. Any pre-schooler that could be described as zen-like even for five minutes must have an excellent mother. Even if that mother happens to occasionally be syrup-covered.

[Binky]

LMAO at the syrup accident, and the fact that the kid's mom referred to it as such.

I could use a sausage in my pants, too. Wait, that's not what you were saying?

(sorry...this is how I get during the forced abstinence of being post-partum)

[apathy lounge]

Are Gwen and Nora your lucky BlogHer roomies? I'm so jealous.

[Motherofbun]

Only a mother's love is strong enough to go through all of that only to wind up letting your son eat it all :-)

[Gwen]

You're loud? Oh, fuck me!

Well, I have a potty mouth and if you don't believe me, ask my child who, while playing in the back of the car yesterday, had one fairy kick the other fairy in the "assbutt."