news.

So I'm pregnant, and I'm excited, but I'm also scared -- no, frightened. Yes. Frightened that just by saying it here I'm, no, it, the pregnancy, is doomed. Actually, that's a lie. I'm frightened it's doomed because I don't feel deserving of it, for all of the same reasons that I'm a negative nelly, that I'm not deserving of success or rewards or anything other than the abject failure liege I've convinced myself of being. I'm only just the narrowest, sliverest slice of this side of conception which means it's a very gray area of being pregnant, it means I'm, for good reason, dubious it will last, harrowed by the thought of accepting/acknowledging/loving. The room for pain and horror.

Pat Benetar had it all wrong; hell isn't for children. Children are hell. AND heaven.

Maybe that's why they look like a yin/yang symbol in the initial stages of conception.

Huh.

******

Updated because somehow people are still reading this post and not the latest one, which I'm posting in its entirety below:

Jack got in bed with us at 3:30 this morning, which is when I became a captive audience to the fireworks of what I can only assume was a miscarriage. The cramps, some of them like a white-hot poker through the abdomen, weren't as alarming as the blood. The blood made me scared.

Now, after a few stolen half hours of sleep between sorrowful waking, I'm afraid to speak or move. Maybe if I don't get up it won't be true. Maybe I'll still be pregnant and I won't have to face my period or anyone who thinks I have a baby in my belly. Namely, Jack.

Caleb *really* didn't want to tell him. Why don't I ever listen?

Sorry for the false alarm, folks.

Comments

Neither you nor that baby is doomed, silly girl! It's a figment of your overactive imagination (I know those figments well myself).

Congratulations! Let the glow of new life ease into your consciousness and warm you from inside.

Posted by: Kathi D | July 16, 2009 at 11:31 AM

YAYAYAYAAYAYYYYY!!!

Sending you happy hugs from across the 'net.

xoxoxoxoxo

Posted by: Nancy | July 16, 2009 at 11:38 AM

I am happy for you! Lots of good luck for you and your baby.

Posted by: magpie | July 16, 2009 at 12:08 PM

So you know we are doin maternity pictures right?!?! CAUSE YOU ARE GONNA BE STUNNING PREGNANT! Iamsooohappyforyou! <--thats exactly how it sounded in my head so I typed it like that..

Posted by: Raquita | July 16, 2009 at 12:23 PM

Yay! Congratulations! Wonderful news!

Posted by: Cristina | July 16, 2009 at 12:40 PM

Holy shitballs! Woo and also HOO! How awesome! Yay!

*doing a little dance and shaking my butt in a very undignified, yet wholly unconcerned with how I look manner*

Oh, I wanna hug you. For all the fear and the excitement and the holy shitness of it all. HUG.

Posted by: Andrea | July 16, 2009 at 12:55 PM

Vegas. Vegas'll do that to you.

Posted by: Black Hockey Jesus | July 16, 2009 at 03:25 PM

That was pretty much my reaction when I peed on the stick for Pie - I went from ambivalent to terrified and paranoid in the time it took for the little line to turn blue.

Posted by: bea | July 16, 2009 at 04:28 PM

The best news I've heard in a long time. Love to you, Deb.

Posted by: mrs. chicken | July 16, 2009 at 06:33 PM

Congratulations Debbie! Even from the depths of twin-land, I'm less stressed the second time around. May it be so for you too.

Posted by: nonlineargirl | July 16, 2009 at 06:59 PM

Congrats!!

Posted by: Lotta | July 16, 2009 at 07:05 PM

hey, congrats, my lovely!

Posted by: slouching mom | July 16, 2009 at 07:54 PM

omg! Debs! Congrats to you, babe!!

Posted by: flutter | July 16, 2009 at 07:54 PM

Congratulations!!!

Posted by: Maria | July 16, 2009 at 08:03 PM

Congratulations. But damn, now you're gonna turn into another mommyblogger.

Posted by: Neil | July 16, 2009 at 10:15 PM

CONGRATULATIONS!!

Posted by: mamatulip | July 17, 2009 at 05:26 AM

Oh honey. OH HONEY! Congratulations!!

I'm so happy for you. If I were there I would give you a big squeeze and then insist you sit and take your folic acid and eat something healthy and then rest. Instead I'll do it virtually [looking at you sternly] - Now, missy, don't make me come over there and force you to take care of yourself. [wagging finger in your direction]. Take care of you and that wee baby.

Much, much love.

xoxoxo

Posted by: Chicky Chicky Baby | July 17, 2009 at 07:15 AM

wooh00! Congrats, darlin'. I hAve never really gotten over that doom-feeling. I don't "deserve" my baby either. Which, we both know is bullshit. Kisses!!!

Posted by: daisybones | July 17, 2009 at 07:21 AM